The Story of the Beard

I have not shaved since September, I think . It is the first time I have ever grown such a thick, long beard. Depending on which hat I put on, I could play the part of rough-n-ready mountain man (coonskin cap), orthodox Jew (black felt fishing hat, which looks strangely rounded and hasidic at some angles), orthodox Muslim (Kyrgeez hat, which is presently perched upon the dome), or neo-punk bass player (no hat - just the shaved heard and busy beard. Helps if I wear the retro-aviator glasses and slip a few hoops through the old earring holes).

I know my wife of 15 years does not find this look at all attractive, and that is not a small reason for its growth and perpetuity. First, she has noted that we should not judge one another according to outward appearances. This grows from her feeling that I only enjoy her for her body. The fact that I have been commanded by God to find her body (and her body alone) attractive escapes her : true love leaves the physical attraction behind and connects souls. Physical attraction (and by extension, appearance) only distracts us from the arena where true love might flourish.

On a more practical level is the immediate benefit this facial hair gives: I don't feel at all attractive to anyone, which makes me less inclined to even think about flirting with women. What woman would return a smile or nod from a man so oddly arrayed? Surely no hearts would beat faster, no cheeks flush from a sideways glance from this head. And thus I am safe from even trying to flirt with an attractive woman. The beard is the great de-sexualizer, the mark of an ascetic. The beard PLUS the tonsure of a shaved head? If any woman is attracted to this I don't think I could keep up a conversation for more than five minutes. She wouldn't be my type.

If only my spouse were so inclined to avoid the temptation of flirtation as this "delicate" period of our marriage. To wit: her email to a coworker this morning, which reads, "I'd love to keep in touch and do stuff often. Let's plan something soon okay? Do have a favorite downtown spot?" I must admit that it is frustrating to go to extreme lengths so that even a sidelong glance will not lead to flirtation and compromising situations only to find that she seeks out opportunities to cuckold me at every turn. But frustration has been the default experience for quite a while now. I should not be surprised nor disappointed. I do, after all, get to grow a kickin' beard while she enjoys late evenings at pubs and parties.