It just happened.

I shaved my head a few months back for a few reasons. One. I looked like a freaky homeless guy when I woke up in the morning. Having four inches of hair is not something which looks even slightly decent on my increasingly barren hairline. And if one is going to cut one's hair, it might as well be drastic. Two. It provides a sort of tonsure. Now, I have shaved my head in the past as a more proactive spiritual exercise, a la Acts 18:18. This time the smooth scalp isn't serving such a purpose explicitly and purposefully, sort of like when you fast because you just need to clean out the ol' GI rather than focus on prayer.

Third. So I can immediately notice when the horns of cuckoldry appear. I wouldn't want to be brushing my wavy locks some fine spring morning only to have the brush snag on any well-developed nubs.

The Counselor noted this week that S. has communicated no desire to be physically intimate with another man. She has written as much in one of her recent notes. If we were to separate, she says, she would be faithful to God and not remarry. Please. I may not be the perfect mate, but I sure know her better than that.

The fact is that she yearns for that male connection. That's why she has a date next week. That's one of the reasons she gave for being reluctant to visit with The Counselor (the main one being that I had contaminated her by my mere suggestion of seeing her. The other, that she isn't a man, and "I prefer talking with men.") She prefers the company of gentle-spirited men who are wired to immediately speak on emotional topics. I imagine she feels about such men the way I would about a vibrant, feisty woman who can more than hold her own in a theological discussion. GrrrrOOWww!

But at least I understand that the desire for physical intimacy is the natural and inevitable outcome of feelings of intimacy for most women, and my wife is surely not a asexual creature given such circumstances. My cuckolding would be entirely expected were she to find herself enamored by first conversation and laughter. Then follows the flush of giddiness from an accidental brushing of the hands during a nice, chatty walk. These are the feelings which she hasn't enjoyed (or worked to create) in such a very long time! This is all she wants, which her violent, wicked husband has kept from her for years and years and years.

That's pretty much all it would take, I'm sure. I truly believe that she is not consciously intent on adultery, but I also see very clearly that she doesn't understand herself in the slightest and thus takes no precautions to avoid adultery (even in non-physical manifestations). I can almost feel those bumps on my head right now.