A Deist's New Years Resolutions

At the very tail end of 2006 I happened across a curmudgeon's list of "refusals" - resolutions cast in opposition to foolish cultural norms. Number eleven stuck me:

11. I refuse to accept the de facto deism of so many evangelicals who do not seek God for supernatural manifestations of Christ's Kingdom (healing, signs and wonders). Instead, I will seek (but never presume upon) God's miraculous, supernatural presence in this dark world.

I decided that rather than try to continue fruitless dialog with S. regarding our stalled relationship, I would purpose to pray and fast and trust God to do his work in his timing. I would continue to serve and love insofar as I was allowed interaction. So I sought to pray. And even fast (which is strangely becoming harder even as I grow older and my metabolism slows). I looked at the list she wrote in the summer which outlined the things which make her feel loved, and I did them. I did not see any quick results, mind you. Not even a thank you for the packs Rolos I hid in her bag every Monday or the meals I cooked especially for her. It seemed like the Christian thing to do: pray, trust the Father, and love.

But that line of action stopped after a few short weeks. An older friend and mentor looked shocked when I told him that was my plan for action, praying and serving. His solution lay entirely on the couch of a professional counselor. Therein lay the only hope this marriage possibly had. Not to discount the good that trained, gifted counselors do every day, but I wanted to first establish the true Actor and Healer in this situation. Grace often comes through people, to be sure. But it also flows from obedience and abiding in the Holy One himself. At least one other voice expressed skepticism at this whole trusting God and serving S. plan. That discouragement added to the complete lack of any fruit from my meagre attempts has led to this: very little prayer and a desk drawer full of Rolos.

Now that our only communication had turned toward when to separate and last weeks counseling conference did nothing to change her mind (or change anything, really), I am wondering if all those voices weren't simply coming from their context, "the de facto deism of so many evangelicals." For my own part, I have become more fatalistic and thus more angry. When I stopped any acts of kindness, I not only legitimized her self-estrangement but I hardened my own heart and raised my self back into the place of hurt. Rather than thinking "She will work through this with God's help, and I will be here, doing my part and duty all the while," I now tend to think something like, "Effin' bitch. She doesn't deserve a single kind word or action. What she deserves is a swift kick in the ass." See? It turns out that a secondary result of that prayer and service was a sort of hope and more Christlike mindset.

Putting my trust in horses has only left the stench of horseshit in my nostrils.