Thank you, Myers & Briggs

Last summer we attended professional counseling. The first session was predictable - a nice, long talk about our current concerns, hopes and family histories. The good doctor also sent us home with copies of the Myers/Briggs personality tests, so we could see on paper what we were dealing with in the flesh. It seemed a very fruitful exercise. Turns out that I am a solid INTJ - "The Mastermind!", while she comes up a ISFJ, a "Protector Guardian". As we read through the descriptions of each personality together we recognized a lot of truths about each other and agreed with the strengths and weaknesses. I thought it was a grand experiment in validating our priorities, passions, and viewpoints. What I didn't expect, though, was that validation was a nail in the relational coffin for S.

So many of the things she had assumed in a mate will never materialize in me. The many priorities she has wanted to see take root in me will never do so, and the parts of my personality she finds grating or harsh are bedrock traits of how I am wired. The tests were supposed to provide insights which led to understanding and acceptance. Instead they took her gnawing ill-ease and deflated hopes and turned them into icy despair and numbness. "I see why you react that way and value X" turned into a quiet "Oh my God. I do not like this man, nor will I ever." When one has a defeatist streak already, all the opportunities provided by Myers/Briggs' insights become the overwhelming static and noise of relational doom.

See, I look at our differences like this: you are not who I am in many, many ways, and many of the priorities I'd hoped you would exhibit just are not part of you. So I will change my expectations, begin enjoying your strengths, and seek to establish a life-pattern where we can work within the realities which are us. For example, I assume that conflict is inevitable and it is perfectly acceptable to engage it with vigor. If voices are raised and emotions visible, so much the better. But her nurturing, protecting nature finds this abrasive and destructive. So I must adjust not only how I engage conflict but even just showing emotion during conversations I'm really into.

So here is the kicker: how does one hope for change in a spouse who rather than seek solutions and understand conflict as necessary for growth, seeks that other relationship where such conflict is forever absent? I can't change her mind, her heart, her priorities and preconceptions. There is prayer, but that requires faith and I have been encouraged to put that into professional counselors rather than God. So I live and wait and shake my head in bewilderment.