An analogy

I fully understand why S. has grown so upset and feels that she has a right to dissolve the marriage after fifteen years of persistent failures on my part. That is to say, it makes sense within her insulated framework, within the S. Grammar of Relational Love.

Here is how it might look if I were to believe and act as she does:

Ever since childhood I have had a vision of what it means to be married, what it is to be loved. And that means waking up every morning and having my soft-eyed spouse pleasure me in all sorts of new and enlivening ways. Monday through Saturday, we wake up and the marriage works. I feel loved and fulfilled and treasured.

But it does not even start off like that. The honeymoon is ok, but there are plenty of mornings when she just gets up and takes a shower, or eats breakfast or reads. How strange, I think. This bodes not well for the love of this marriage. Sure enough, the first few years of the marriage see a few mornings here and there where she demonstrates such love. All is right with the world, and I know she can do it if she only will try. But those mornings never establish a pattern, and she falls right back into those other habits - eating, showering, dressing.

Years drift into one another. I hope every morning. 99% of mornings I am disappointed. She is not who I thought I was marrying. This is not how things are supposed to be. She could do it, but chooses every single morning not to. Her priorities are abundantly clear to me! I mean nothing to her! She refuses to love me, and instead loves all those other activities.

Finally, I realize that it is always going to be like this. She is never going to wake up with a burning desire to perform fellatio. She will never give what it takes to make this relationship work. It is self-evident, no matter what she or others might say, that without morning pleasuring a marriage does not exist. Rather than be hurt morning after morning, I will simply break off contact, deny all hopes, and let this dry, brittle relationship turn to dust and blow away with the wind.